How to get custody of a child

The custody of children is generally decided as part of a divorce. But if you did not start a divorce yet or you are not married to the other parent, you can define who is responsible for a child with a “petition for custody”. Ask for the “petition”, or written request, from the courthouse in the county where the child has lived for the last six months (or in the borough, if they lived in New York City). It’s free to file a custody petition.  

The paperwork can be complicated, and it must be “served”, or delivered personally, to the other parent or whoever currently has custody of the child. Ask at the courthouse for help understanding the process. 

If you and the other parent agree or almost agree on custody, you might want to work with a “mediator” instead of a judge.  A mediator helps you and the other parent agree. However, mediation is not a good idea when there has been domestic abuse. Learn more about about working with a mediator in New York Family Court from NYCourts.gov.

If you and the other biological parent can’t agree on custody, a judge decides what is in the “best interests of the child.” The judge will look at many things. The case will not be decided based on who loves the child more or who has more money. The judge does not favor a mother over a father, even if the case involves a young child. The judge may consider:

• who has been your child’s primary caretaker
• the quality of each parent’s home environment
• how “fit” the judge thinks each parent is (including mental health)
• which parent the child is living with now and how long that arrangement has been in place
• each parent’s ability to provide emotional and intellectual support for your child
• which parent your child wants to live with, if they are old enough to make an informed decision
• whether your child would be separated from any siblings
• whether either parent has been abusive to the child.

In most custody cases, the court will provide a free lawyer to find out what the child wants. The lawyer is called a law guardian or “attorney for the child.” If the child is old enough to say what they want, the judge will consider it seriously. However, the court and the law guardian try to find out if it's really what the child wants, not what one parent has asked the child to say. Do not tell a child what to say.

If there’s a big change after the court makes a custody order, you can ask the court to change the order. The change must be big enough to count as a “substantial change of circumstances.” A big change in circumstances includes:

• The child has been abused or neglected
• There has been domestic abuse in the home
• The child is over 12 years old and wants to live with the other parent
• A parent is moving in with a new partner, moving to a different state, or had a significant change in income
• A parent been charged with a serious crime, has a substance abuse problem, serious illness, or is interfering with the rights of the other parent
• A parent has returned from military deployment

To change the custody order, fill out the forms for a “Petition for Modification of an Order of Custody/Visitation.”  “Petition” means to ask, and “Modify” means to change. Get the forms in the courthouse in the county where the child has lived for the last six months (or borough in New York City).  You can also file this “Petition for Modification of an Order of Custody/Visitation" through the NY Courts website. It’s free to file a custody petition.  

The paperwork can be complicated, and it must be “served”  to the person who already has custody of the child. Ask at the courthouse for help understanding the process.

You can ask for custody of a child even if you’re not a parent. This is more common if you’re a grandparent or a sibling, but anyone can ask for custody. The process of asking for custody is the same, but the judge will consider different things. 

First, the judge will decide whether there are “extraordinary circumstances”. Examples of some extraordinary circumstances are: 

• When a court has determined that there has been abuse or neglect
• The child has been harmed by continued domestic violence
• When there is substance abuse in the home of the parent
• If you have been caring for the child for a very long time. It is automatically considered to be an extraordinary circumstance if a grandparent has been caring for a child for two years. 

If there are extraordinary circumstances, the judge will decide what is in the “best interests of the child”. These considerations are the same as if you’re asking for custody. Click on “Asking for Custody”, above, for more information. If there are no extraordinary circumstances, the judge will give the biological parent custody.