Am I experiencing domestic abuse?

Domestic abuse is bad treatment by a spouse or other intimate partner who is trying to control you. Domestic abuse can happen to people who are dating, married, living together or apart. It affects millions of people in the U.S. of all backgrounds. 

The abuse can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic or psychological. It can be other actions or threats that scare or control you. Domestic abuse is also called “domestic violence” or “intimate partner violence.”

If you are in immediate danger, call 911.

Talk to an expert. Contact the New York State Domestic and Sexual Violence Hotline. Call 800-942-6906, text 844-997-2121, or chat with an advocate live. All conversations are free and private. The hotline is available 24/7 in English, Spanish, and most other languages. You can ask about emergency shelter, support groups, counseling, and finding a lawyer.

Consider getting a lawyer. A lawyer can help you make a plan to be safe. They can help you get an order of protection and understand your legal rights and options. Find free legal help using LawHelpNY’s directory.

What is domestic abuse?

Here are some examples of domestic abuse:

Emotional or psychological control

• Name-calling, yelling, rude or embarrassing comments, insulting you all the time
• Acting jealous (especially early in your relationship) or being overprotective of you
• Keeping you away from friends and family
• Humiliating or embarrassing you in front of others
• Not allowing you to set your own schedule
• "Gaslighting" or confusing you

Economic control

• Not allowing you to see the household bank or credit card accounts
• Not letting you know how much money they make
• Controlling all the household money
• Forcing you to say how you spent your money and taking money away from you 
• Stopping you from finding or keeping a job or from going to school
• Controlling money to stop paying for your medications, health insurance, or doctors' bills

Threats

• Threatening to report you to the police or Child Protective Services (CPS) for something that did not happen
• Threatening to harm or kidnap the children or get custody if you leave
• Threatening looks and actions
• Using anger or "loss of temper" as a threat to control you
• Threatening to tell your sexual orientation to friends, family or your employer
• Threatening to tell your secrets 

Physical and sexual violence

• Hurting you, your children, pets, family or friends
• Destroying your personal property or throwing things around
• Grabbing, pushing, hitting, punching, slapping, kicking, choking or biting you
• Forcing you to have sex
• Stopping you from taking medication or getting medical care
• Keeping you from eating, drinking or sleeping

You can be a victim of domestic violence without physical harm. If you feel afraid or controlled by someone you are (or were) close to, it could be domestic violence. Domestic violence may happen only once, but it usually happens over and over again.

How do I stay safe?

If you live with or plan to leave an abuser, you can take action to keep yourself and your family safe. Not all suggestions work for everyone, and some may put you at greater risk. Use the suggestions that make the most sense for you. 

If you live with an abuser:

• Watch for signs that the abuser is about to become violent.
• If you sense danger, try to go to the “safer places” in your home, away from any weapons.
• If there’s no way to escape, make yourself a small target. Find a corner and curl up into a ball. Protect your face and the sides of your head with your arms.
• Talk to your children about how to stay safe when the abuser is violent. 

If you want to leave an abuser:

• Make a plan. Think about how you are going to leave, where you will go, and how to cover your tracks so your abuser cannot find you.
• Try to keep evidence of physical abuse. Examples: hospital or police reports, photos, texts. Keep this evidence in a safe place that the abuser will not find. Take it with you when you leave.
• Leave when you have enough time to get away before the abuser realizes that you are gone.
• If you plan to bring your children, it helps to talk to a lawyer or advocate first. They can help you avoid violating a court custody order or criminal kidnapping law.

Read more about ways to be safe. You can also speak with an advocate to make a safety plan.

What happens if I call the police?

If you or someone report the abuse, police will fill out a domestic incident report that describes what happened. Ask for free copies of this report.

Ask the police for an interpreter if you don’t speak English well. You can also ask them to help you find a safe place to stay. Learn more about how the police respond to a call.

In some cases, you can get an order of protection or “restraining order” to help keep you safe. Contact Safe Horizon’s domestic violence hotline at 1-800-621-HOPE (1-800-621-4673) for help.